Monday, January 11, 2010

Missing Leah

Yesterday Leah would have been 11 months old.
I think for a long time to come the 10th and 31st of every month is going to be tough.  I've been starting to just plain miss her a lot over the past few days.  We have her ashes - but still no pendant or the urn we ordered special.  I've had her ashes on my bedside table for the past 2 nights. 

Her crib had stayed pretty much untouched from the last time she slept in it but this morning I decided to go through it and do some laundry.   I left some of her shirts and blankets 'dirty' - because they still smell like her.

But a member of the extended family has offered to make a memory quilt out of some of Leah's blankets - so it gives me incentive to start going through them and picking out what I'd like to be in the quilt.  I'd love to make it myself but I have 0 idea how to do it.  I'm not very domestic like that. And the idea of sending the blankets out of the house into someone elses possession for awhile makes me nervous - but I know I'll love the quilt once it's done. 

Last week, Patrice emailed my Mother saying some wonderful people were asking about where to send sympathy cards to us.  Patrice was kind enough to offer their P.O. box as a place for people to send cards - but I didn't want to trouble them with having to pay to send them along to us - so my parents offered to have any cards or notes of condolences go to their house in Philly. I made a gadget on the side panel of the blog with the address but it is:
The Turnquists
2853 Shipley Road
Philadelphia PA 19152

I will be back and forth to Philly on a regular basis for awhile, and/or my parents will be coming here to visit as well - so I will be sure to get them soon.

I want to get some kind of a scrapbook together so I can print up and gather all the wonderful encouraging comments we've gotten, along with all cards. I'm not becoming a 'scrapbooker' in any sense - I'll just find a photo album with a butterfly theme and place everything in there. Like I said: not domestic like that.

Speaking of photos though ............. for everyone who misses seeing Leah's sweet face on here, this is one of my favorites from Christmas. Christmas was NOT a good day for us. Leah wasn't eating and was not happy. This was after we put the NG tube down and she coughed it up - and then we tried to put it back down unsuccessfully because her throat was so swollen. None of us were in good spirits so Leah and I cuddled up on her big pillow for a rest:

My Mom had been saying for months how much Leah looked like me and I guess until I saw this picture I didn't really see it for myself.

My poor little cupcake - looking at more recent pictures remind me just how bad her skin was getting toward the end - and makes me more thankful that her pain was relieved.

As for me; my pain is still present but I'm trying to *slowly* get back into the 'real world'. I need to work on my resume to start seriously looking for a job. I am not ready to go back to work now, but with the job market as it is, I know I need to at least start the process sooner rather than later. I am also *slowly* working on a book about Leah, her life and the lessons she taught me during her short time with me.

Jeff is going back to work tomorrow ........... but his schedule has always been very flexible to allow for our special situation so I'm sure it will continue to be so as we move forward in this new season of life.


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. EB, is a terrible disease (if that is a correct description) May God grant you the strength to get through this time. The true description of a Mother (in my opinion) is giving of one self, at this moment you are thinking that Leah is pain free,not of your own suffering. That makes you a TRUE MOTHER. Leah is lucky to have had you for her Mommy.

From Atlantic Canada

Amy O'Connor said...

Wow, you can really see the resemblance in this picture. That was the first thing I thought looking at it. I am so glad that she no longer has to feel the physical pain she endured here on earth. Take your time in healing. You're in my prayers.

Sara said...

My two difficult dates are the 6th and 18th. Though honestly, after 5 years, I don't really "think" about it too much as I did in the beginning when it was those dates of the month. I feel guilty for "forgetting" though I'll never forget, just life goes on and you remember them and memories more than those dates...

Sara said...

I just started reading your blog around Christmas time when another blog asked for prayers. I'm so sorry for your loss but so happy that Leah is now living pain free. I lost my Mom to cancer when I was 12, I'm 20 now, and the 18th of every month was always hard for me. She was born March 18th, and died September 18th. Since then it's just been September 18th that's been particularly hard for me but just this year, my Nephew was born on September 18th. I totally attribute this to my Mom (it wasn't his due date) and feel that she sent him to make the day better for me. I'm sure losing a child is just as hard if not harder than losing a parent and there are good days as well as bad but you'll notice Leah sending things your way and they'll help you get through the day. You got to have an amazing fighter with you and I'm sure what she prevailed through inspired many people. She's a gift from God. Keep your eyes open, she's still with you, taking care of you now and she'll never give up on you just like you never gave up on her.

Sharon said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. Sharon
Tripps great aunt

Kellye said...

Meghann, you don't know me, but I've been following Jonah's blog for months and started following yours heart is breaking for you, but I'm so happy that Leah is pain free and whole and healed again with Jesus...and I agree with others; what a wonderful mother you are. I see that you are planning to slowly get back into the job market. I am a resume writer, and I would love to do your resume for free for you. If and when you're interested, just let me know. I feel so helpless reading about your loss...words aren't sufficient, really...

Tracie said...

Still sending lots of prayers for comfort.

The Hill Family said...

your profiles are are such a wonderful mother here on earth. One day you will mother her again in heaven, the way it was meant to be. you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Wanda Wilkinson said...

Love & Prayers are sent your way,

Anonymous said...

I have been at a loss of words for you & Jeff every since the passing of LITTLE LADY LEAH. She was so very beautiful & I couldn't help but fall in love with her. You were a " Great Mother" & I could see the love i your eyes as well as in Leah's eyes the love ya'll had for each other as well as her looking like you. Leah is finally pain free as well as your "Guardian Angel". I hate EB & pray a cure is found for it. Thanks for keeping us informed we love ya'll too and will be praying for you & Jeff. My prayers, thoughts and love is with ya'll. Take care & God Bless. Love, Belinda Hoover

Anonymous said...

When I was reading your post I came to the picture of you and Leah. Immediately I thought, "Oh my gosh, they look just alike!" That was before I read your comment.

Your grief must be beyond words, and, yet, you still manage to express so much here on Leah's blog. She will remain forever in your heart.

Thanks for sharing.

Lisa said...

Thank you so much for sharing miss leah with the rest of us. I came across your blog just last week and have thought and prayed for you daily. Leah was a very darling little girl and I too am thankful that your little angel is no longer in any pain. That must have been so much for her to endure and now so much pain for you to endure. You are an amazing woman and mother....your dedication, determination, love, guidance and patience show in every word that your write.
My thoughts are with you today, tomorrow and always!
Be well....
Lisa :)

Anonymous said...

What a precious picture! It's amazing looking at that picture how much Leah looked like you. Still praying for peace and comfort for you and Jeff.


Katherine @ Grass Stains said...

I'm not sure if I've ever commented (I think I have, though), but I wanted you to know that you have been in my prayers for months. I am Matt Williams' aunt by marriage, and of course EB is a cause very close to my heart. I literally SHOOK when I heard that Leah had passed away from Patrice, and I have had a hard time coming back to check in ever since. It's not because I haven't cared enough to do it ... just that it's been very difficult to do it. Please know that you remain in my prayers every day and that you have so many people thinking of you.

Beth.. One Blessed Nana said...

Still praying for you both. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little girl. Praying for a cure for EB.

In Him,

Anonymous said...

I came across your journal for the first time today and your story has touched my heart. Leah is such a beautiful little angel and is loving her new found freedom with her pink and purple wings.

I'd like to share with you a special place to consider when you're ready. It offers support and a time of renewal for you and your husband.

In the meantime, I won't soon forget you or your little darling. How fortunate Leah is to have such a loving mother. You'll be in my prayers.


thorney said...

Meg and Jeff,
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little girl. You and Leah look so much alike laying there on her pillow-same nose, cheeks, lips.

Leah is free and whole in the arms of Jesus. No pain. Never again will Leah feel pain.

Keeping you in our prayers.

Blessings, Mari (Seattle)

Linda said...

My dearest Meg:
You continue to amaze me with your courage, strength, love and most of all your FAITH.
Leah is so proud of her Mommy.
Praying that God continues to comfort your heart with his Love. Love you so much my wonderful daughter. Love Mom

Jenny said...

I have followed your story for a while now..came from Jonah's blog. My heart goes out to you and your family. I ran across this earlier & had to cut & paste it for you. It just touched my heart & instantly thought of you and Leah.


I'll lend you for a little while a child of mine, God said.
For you to love him while he lives, and mourn for when he's dead.
It may be 3 months or seven years, or forty-two or three;
But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you and should his stay be brief,
you'll have the lovely memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return;
But there are lessons taught below I want this child to learn.

I've searched the whole world over for teachers kind and true;
And from the throngs that crowd life's lane I have chosen YOU.
Now will you give him all your love? Nor think the labor vain?
Nor hate me should the angels call, to take this child back again?

To which the parents did reply...Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
for all the joys this child will bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We will shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may...
for all the love this child will bring, forever grateful we will stay.

But should the angels call for him much sooner than we've planned,
we'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.

~Author Unknown

Heidi said...

I have been sending your family prayers for strength.

I hope this is an appropriate comment. A few years ago I created a book from my sister's blog using Blurb. It automatically pulled blogger into a book format. At that time, it was not able to pull the comments directly into the book (it may now); so I copied those from the blog to Word, formatted them, and then copied them into my book. I also added additional pictures. I was very happy with the quality of the book.


Erika said...

My family's thoughts are with you. I wish I could have met leah in life, but from reading your blog it seems to me she was an angel here on earth. You are a wonderful mommy to a beautiful girl...

God Bless.
The Landons

Jen said...

She is absolutely beautiful and does indeed look like you.

I'm so glad you have some special memories to comfort you in your time of loss.

Praying for you!

Shannon said...

Leah does look like you; she was beautiful despite the EB. I am a reader from Patrice's blog, and have been following you since she asked for prayers. As a Mama, I can't fathom what you are going through, but know that my prayers are with you daily. May God just comfort you...

Bailey's Leaf said...

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter.

Hugs to you.

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