Hanging in there

Hi everyone.  Sorry I haven't posted anything for awhile.  Apparently I've been making some people worry by being invisible on here. 

We're doing OK.  We are just trying to stay busy - getting the house organized and clean. 

I think Leah's ashes will be available for us to go and get today.  My pendant and her urn are not here yet but I don't care - it'll be so nice to have part of her here again, close to me. 

I know a lot of people are still worried about us --- and I don't know how to make everyone understand how we feel.  I know that to the outsider, the situation is: they lost their 10 month old child.  But to us it's: our 10 month old daughter who was in enormous pain, is finally pain free.  She will never feel the pain of her skin blistering at the slightest touch or pressure.  Her teeth will never cause her pain again.  She can breathe freely without an uncomfortable tube in her throat. 

And yes, part of our pain is that: our daughter is gone - but the fact that she is happy and pain free trumps all of that. 

Yes, I want to hold her again ........... but I'd be worried about hurting her.

Yes, I want to see her again ............ but my heart would be breaking to see her in pain.

And I know someday I will hold her and see her again -- and she will be completely happy, and she'll have so many things to show me and tell me.  And I can wait for that day - and rest assured that she is in good hands until then. 

So yes, it is hard --- hard for me, hard for Jeff --- but Leah is enjoying unimaginable rewards in Heaven right now -- and that's all that matters.  As I wrote before, yes my heart is broken, yes I am devastated - but I - Don't - Care. Every single thing I've done since I found out I was pregnant with Leah has been for Leah.  So how can I feel horrible when she is the happiest she's ever been?  She wouldn't want me to stay in bed, crying for her.  I didn't do that when this 'special' baby was given to me by God.  And believe me, I didn't have the foggiest idea how to care for her - and I was terrified. 

I stayed right by her side, learning all I could from her, finding out how to take the very best care of her - and now she'll stay right by my side - helping me to continue on and live to honor her and God. 

And I know if your heart isn't filled with faith then it seems like all this is just 'how I get through the day'.  But it is the truth.  I know it is.

Pastor Tom stopped by the house yesterday to talk and pray with us and he talked about how many peoples lives Leah touched in just 10 short months.  And it's true - some people live for decades and don't make any impact.  Leah couldn't walk or talk and still changed the lives of countless people.  She made people grateful for the blessings of good health for themselves and healthy children, and thankful for the small things in life that most take for granted.  I know that a lot of people read about Leah's passing and went and hugged their own children - with a realization that they need to appreciate and love them more - and that makes me smile.

Leah always had the best disposition.  When she cried, she'd calm herself down in seconds.  When she fussed, it wasn't for long.  When she was in a lot of pain, she would just sit quietly - like she knew that this pain was just temporary - and that soon she'd be relieved of it all and become the angel she was born to be. 

All of these things make her passing ...... well, not OK ........ but bearable, I guess is a good word.  As a mother I miss her terribly, but as her mother I am very proud of her life, struggle, and the impact she made in her very short time here.  I'm honored to have been chosen as her mother and am proud to have her as my guardian angel now.