Sunday, January 3, 2010

Day 3

Hi everyone.  Thanks again for all the comments - they really help to remind us just how many people were touched by Leah's smile and how many prayers are coming in to help us through this. 

I don't know what will happen in the months to come but for now we're hanging in there.  I have a feeling right now it's just a numb "She's at peace" feeling and in a few weeks I'll fall apart because "My daughter is gone". I think when a parent loses their child who had been in pain - it's a lot different from a parent losing a perfectly healthy baby.  There's a peace knowing that they are finally without pain.  Leah's skin is now perfect - her eyes will never get abrasions again - her beautiful little finger and toe nails have grown back - she has no trach and is making beautiful sounds that I never got to hear her make; but she's making the angels smile with those sounds.

When you spend 10+ months caring for a sick baby you become so selfless that you don't care about anything other than their comfort.  So right now I don't care that my heart is broken into a billion pieces.  And not one of those billion pieces could possibly muster up enough emotion to make me feel anything. 

With all her wound care supplies - the huge thing that reminds me of what took her from me.  The selfish angry part of me wants to take every piece of gauze and every box of supplies and build a huge bonfire on the front lawn and scream 'F(#$ you EB!' at the top of my lungs.  But the selfless Leah's Mommy part of me calmly boxed up 20+ packages of supplies and went through them without a single tear labeling different ones saying: "This is for Jonah ...... this is for Tripp ..... this is for dEBra".

We boxed up some of her toys, clothes and books yesterday - and I amazingly didn't fall apart - though I wanted to.  I'm almost too drained to fall apart.   I put things to the side that she really loved - and we're going to make the mantle for Leah - with toys, pictures, and eventually, her urn. 

My sister drove down yesterday to deliver my Hannah back to me.  Hannah is my cat.  I've had her since May of 2005.  Back in June when we didn't know what was causing Leah's congestion and mucous - my sister took her to stay at her house with her other cats.  So it's nice to have her back in the house - though it is strange to have someone to talk to again that you know won't answer you.  Hannah's a cuddle bug too.  She's right back to doing what she used to do here.  She lounges on the couch, cuddles, eats, and then crawls under the covers at night and sleeps right in between Jeff and I. 


A wonderful woman named Samantha sent this to me:

Thank you Samantha - it's a beautiful photo.

I have some Christmas pictures of Leah to post but I don't think I can put them up yet.  I literally just had one up, staring at it and then deleted it.  Christmas was the day everything fell apart - she stopped eating and we knew a trip to the hospital was in our future. 



33 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are such an amazing woman... Leah was so lucky to have you as her mommy. Please know that we will never forget her!!! And we will continue to pray for your family so that you will find peace.

~ Pati :)

Carol said...

You are amazing. One day at a time-
Carol

Anonymous said...

I am yet another unknown friend who is sharing the sorrow over the loss of your precious Leah. I found you through sweet Jonah's site and have been praying for you all for several months now. Please know that those prayers are continuing for you and your family.

I'm glad your Hannah is back with you. Our companion animals give us so much love. Hopefully she will provide you with a small bit of comfort as you try to begin collecting the pieces of your broken heart.

A friend in NC

Wanda Wilkinson said...

Here I am one more unknown friend from NC, praying for you & Jeff. I will continue to ask God to give you the strength, comfort & peace that only He can provide.

Take each hour/day as it comes--remember Leah touched so many, many lives in her short life.

God Bless each of you

Janet said...

Please know that you and Jeff are on the minds and hearts of a lot of people right now. We are all praying.

Anonymous said...

My hear breaks for you both. But thank you for sharing your journey with us and being such an amazing testimony. Prayers coming your way from a nurse in NC.

Jill said...

Please know that strangers across the country are grieving with you and praying for you. You all have touched my heart and I will be forever changed.

Anonymous said...

I have been following your family for a few months now and I've been thinking of you and your family a lot these past few days. Thank you for sharing your story and your sweet little girl.

ruth said...

This is my first visit. And reading from your recent and previous posts I can see how the Lord's grace and peace abound in your heart these days. It's a miracle that you haven't fallen apart. It's amazing how you handle the loss of your precious baby.
May the Lord's comfort and strength be always upon you and Jeff as you go through this grieving period. Our hope is in God's loving promise, that one day we'll again be with our loved ones who have gone ahead of us to our final destination.

Sailor and Co said...

You are SO welcome....I am glad you liked the photo....praying for you and thinking about you tons.

Penny said...

Hold tight to each other, your strength is amazing and such a true testiment to your love for your daughter.

Snuggle your kitty and let yourself grieve your little butterfly.....

LA said...

I have no words, other than I am so sorry you have lost your daughter to this terrible condition. You are an amazing woman and I know Leah is sitting in heaven smiling at her wonderful mother.

Diana Lopez said...

your a strong woman, but remember it is ok to fall apart for a loss. it is ok because you will see her again, just have faith in god. HE knows why all this has happen and just when we meet him we will know why. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Linda said...

My darling daughter:
I feel so blessed when I read your postings. Leah was so lucky to have you as her Mommy. I am so proud of you. You are truly amazing.
I am praying so hard that God will continue to give you the strength you will need to get through the next few months. I know that your heart is broken, and I know that sucks, but you will get through this. So many prayers from people you don't know, all because of our precious Leah. I love you so much Meg and feel your pain. I just wish there was something I could do to make it hurt less. All my love Mom.

Dee said...

My heart truly goes out to you and your family...your family and baby Leah are in my prayers! God Bless, Dee

Amy O'Connor said...

Leah is so lucky to have you for her mommy. I'm praying for your and Jeff's peace of mind.

Maria B. said...

I read about your daughter from the blog - Suite Life of Ethel and Lucy. Please accept our deepest condolences on the passing of your beautiful daughter. May you be blessed with strength, comfort and peace in the difficult days ahead. We'll be praying for your family...

Debbie,mother of two said...

I can't believe that you can sit down and write things at this time. Leah had a wonderful mom ,even through her pain she still writes to keep us informed. It gives me comfort knowing that Leah is not in pain now. Praying for your family.Debbie

Anonymous said...

I've been following your blog after discovering it through Patrice Williams (Jonah's mom). When I saw her entry about Leah I gasped... and felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I've read/prayed/worried about Leah and she has touched my life I am sure of that! What an amazing time you had with her and how blessed she is to be pain free now. I am praying for you as you deal with such unimaginable pain.

Hutch & Meg said...

I don't even know you, but am so encouraged by you! "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future". Prayed for you tonight.

♥ Tamara ♥ said...

(((HUGS))) I'm falling apart just reading your tender words of selfless love for your little Leah. I'm so encouraged to know that your sweet little one is without pain.

May the Lord continue to wrap His loving arms around and give you that special peace and love.

I'm here and you have my email if you need a 'virtual' shoulder.

~Tamara

Anonymous said...

I have been thinking a lot about Leah and your family since I heard the news. This morning I prayed for you all in church... that you may be at peace knowing that you were the best parents in the world to sweet Leah. I know she is smiling and pain-free playing with the other angels.
Big hugs coming to you from Florida.
~ Pati :)

Amy said...

Thanks for continuing to get online each day to let us know how you're doing. I pray that the peace you are feeling continues.

thorney said...

I came to your blog from Jonah's when Patrice posted a prayer request for Leah. I will be keeping you in our prayers.

You are an amazing mom. Leah was so blessed to have you taking care of her.

Anonymous said...

I had just found your blog a couple days before Leah passed away. I am so sorry for your loss, she was a beautiful girl.

Milles Family said...

I'm heart is broken for you & I am praying for you!

Anonymous said...

I can't say anything that hasn't already been said so just know that I am one more praying for your strength & peace & healing. One more person that loved little Leah. God bless you and keep you...as He is keeping Miss Leah now.

Can't remember my Google password lol so I'll just be anon today.
Jenny in Jenks, OK

Emma and Company said...

I had just started following your blog maybe a week ago and have just now been able to check it since her surgery. I cannot tell you how sorry I am. My heart aches for you. Please know that I am praying for you and your family. What a precious little girl Leah was....just so perfect in every way.

Anonymous said...

Hello,
Its me Blanca from Columbus Ohio. I was out of the country for two weeks and just found out about Leah. I am so sorry my prayers are wth you and Jeff! Take a day at a time.You are an amazing and a very strong person. Love, Blanca.

Annie said...

I can only say, sorry and my heart cries with you in your sorrow. I have added your family in my prayers. God Bless You with Peace during this time.

Marie said...

Oh that is so beautiful that you are giving the supplies to Jonah and Tripp! Everyone would have understood if you lit that bonfire but instead you thought of two little boys who could use that stuff even in your grief. Leah would be so proud of you.

our family said...

Praying for you during this time. May you feel God's peace.
Hugs and Prayers
Rachel in TN

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet, beautiful Leah.

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