Sunday, October 17, 2010

One Long Week

Well, I'm very glad last week is over.  I think I've cried more in the past 5 days than I have in the past 5 months............

I woke up on Tuesday to the news that Bella had flown home to heaven, and then I checked Facebook and saw that Tripp was in the hospital.   It was the first time I ever had to email my boss and say 'I might not make it through the day today so if I gotta go I'll let you know'. 

With Bella, everything just hit too close to home.  The events as told by Bella's Daddy Tim were so similar to what happened with us on the morning that Leah passed.  Just like us, Daddy and Baby were together when the Baby's heart first stopped.  Then Baby came back - as Mommy was on her way to the hospital.  Mommy came and everybody got to be together for one last time.  Mommy and Baby sat together as Baby took her last breaths.  And the picture of Ang holding Bella ..... we didn't take any photos of Leah after she passed as we both held her .... but that photo says it all.  Very few of us have been 'in' that moment; so they way you cry for her is different from the way I do when I see that picture.  

Tuesday was a long day, to say the least - but I made it through.  I was happy to think that Leah has a new playmate in heaven.  Two little gorgeous girls, with their beautiful big blue eyes, and sweet smiles; playing, laughing, running and jumping - hugging each other without worrying about trachs, blood, blisters and boo-boos.  And I'm sure that on the day that I get to see Leah again, she'll pull on my hand and say, "You have to meet Bella! She's the best".  

Then on Wednesday I got my flu shot and I think I had a bad reaction to it.  I got a flu shot last year (because of Leah), and the year before (because I was pregnant) and I never had so much as a sore arm.  This time, I had an itchy 3 inches in diameter red, hot, hard, painful bump on my arm.  On Friday I woke up and was so tired I felt like I had gotten no sleep at all, instead of the 7 hours or so that I did get.  As the day wore on it just got worse: I developed a headache, was feeling nauseous, and got more and more tired.  I literally couldn't hold my head up by 1 in the afternoon and just had to go home early.  

Then yesterday Jeff and I took another step in our goal of becoming debt-free.  We traded in our new '08 Ford Escape for a used '02 Mitsubishi Montero.  My Mommy prayed for us that everything would work out on Saturday when we went to the dealership and it did!
We basically went with the goal of trading our car for another one so we could get out of our $330 a month car payment (which we did, and can afford - it's just going to push us further along on our debt-free goal).   We didn't really have anything in mind - just as long as it was a fair trade and we didn't have to pay 1 red cent.  As luck (prayers) would have it - the dealership (Ford) reallllly wanted our car.  They had just gotten in a ton of repo'd cars and needed to make room on their lot.  They had this super nice Monty (what us Montero owners say) that someone had recently wanted to buy, but their finances just didn't work out in the end so as of Saturday, it was officially for sale again.  So they didn't have space for the Monty, they wanted our car; bad, and once we drove the Monty, we wanted to trade.  
After a bit of negotiating and Jeff repeatedly saying 'I'm not opening my wallet today' - they conceded to our deal.  Even the title/tag stuff they paid for .... AND the salesman threw $20 worth of gas into it before we left.

So that monthly savings, along with Jeff and I STILL being smoke free - we are saving quite a big chunk of money.  : )  
But also, that car held too many memories that I'd rather not have every time I climbed into it.  The Escape had been our Leah-mobile.   It drove her to and from more doctor's appointments, ER's and hospitals than I can count.  I drove it, while still pregnant, to the hospital the day they told me something wasn't quite right, and they had to deliver her.  We drove it home with Leah in her car seat for the first time, scared poop-less at what the doctors were telling us.  I drove it the morning of December the 31st, speeding in a sleet storm at 5 AM to get to her at the hospital - and I climbed back into it hours later knowing she was gone.  It took me weeks before I could even pull the car seat base out of it. 
I don't want to say I hate that car, but I can certainly do without seeing it in our driveway every day.  


Sara said...

Yea I know what you mean....learning (and grieving) of another death related to EB is much harder to deal with after having lost a child to EB than it was before losing a least for me...

Linda said...

It was definitely a hard week for us all. I knew that you would take the news about Bella especially hard. It helps a little bit just knowing that Bella and Leah are pain free and playing together.
So glad that you got a good deal on a good used car and no more bad memories.
Take care love. God Is Good All The Time. Love you. Love Mom XOXOXO

Milles Family said...

Sorry it has been such a long week. The loss of Bella is heartbreaking. I can't imagine what it feels like from your end, having gone through that so soon. I will be saying some prayers for you!

Congrats on trading in the car. Good Luck getting debt free. That is no easy task...hopefully you can inspire others to be debt free! :O)

Christina said...

Things can only get better from here right? Trust in Him.
I will be praying for you & your family!

Once A Mother said...

poor sweet little Bella. I know I don't comment here often, but after reading this heartbreaking post... sending my sympathies to her family.

Courtney Roth said...

Love you :) Just wanted to tell you that. Hope you have a great day!

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