Just checking in

Hi everyone. Sorry I've been MIA on here lately. I'm starting to come down with some kind of sickness.  My colds always start with a sore throat and an ear ache and I've had that for 2 days now. Maybe it's the blizzard coming, or how dry the air has been, or that I've been walking around on the snow-covered lawn trying to encourage Sam's house training - I don't know. I even had my first migraine in years the other night! I had frequent migraines back when I was in college (1999 to 2004), but I honestly couldn't even remember the last one I had.

Ah, but anyway.

The 31st marked one month since Leah's passing. I wanted to write something on the 31st but just didn't have the heart to do it. It was an OK day overall, and I guess writing would've just made me reminisce a bit more than I would've liked to.

The other day someone from some kind of Medicaid program called me, asking me why her computer was showing that Leah's Medicaid had been terminated. I felt bad for her because she obviously had no clue and wouldn't have thought that a 10 month old babies insurance stopped because she had died. My father-in-law had made all the phone calls informing everyone of Leah's passing so I hadn't yet had to actually tell anyone that Leah was gone. So it was very strange to have to tell someone who didn't know. And it put me in a funk for the rest of the day. It's strange how certain things make me sad. Seeing babies doesn't really bother me, seeing pregnant women doesn't bother me, hearing a toddler call out 'Mommy' doesn't really bother me; but getting baby stuff catalogs in the mail bothers me, and getting those automatic emails from Pampers.com with a subject of 'Your baby is 11 months old today!!' bothers me. I've gotten a couple catalogs in the mail full of items for a babies 1st birthday ...... and I growl in anger. Some of our good friends had a baby shower a couple weekends ago and I didn't go ...... she's having a girl so seeing little pink baby things was not on the top of my list of thing's I'd like to do. And I can't watch any kind of 'Baby Story' or 'Bringing Home Baby' show. And it's not out of sadness; I like to see cute little newborns. It's the parents I want to slap for their inability to realize the miracle of a perfectly healthy baby. "Oh my gosh this baby won't sleep and always cries!! How horrible!! I just want to get out of the house!!" Eh ........... just shut your mouths and take care of your kid.

On the other hand it reinforces my faith that God gives the most special of babies to the most special of parents. If you're going to melt down over a couple weeks of colic; something like EB, or Downs Syndrome, or Autism would leave you crumbled on the floor.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh ..... but I'm still very angry. I've always been hot-headed, quick tempered and well .... harsh. I don't know when I'll stop being angry. I know Leah wouldn't want me to be angry. But I can't help it. I mean, I get it. She was given to us because we could take care of her. We did the best we could and in the end we had to give her back to God. But what am I supposed to do? Pat myself on the back and say 'Way to go, you kept your daughter alive for almost 11 months .... cheers'?

And I know being angry is part of the process .... I know all about Kubler-Ross .... remember, I was a Psych major .... but it still sucks - there's no other word for it.

I haven't had any strange dreams lately, but I've had one recurring dream that helps me think that I am moving in the right direction with Leah's passing. (While I didn't take any Dream Analysis classes, I did read up on it myself while in college). Now, I never see faces or people in my dreams ... I just know that they're there. Just like I don't hear voices, I just know what's going on. But anyway, my dreams are that Leah is back; whether or not she has EB, I don't know (because true to my dreams: I can't see her). But I'll know in my dream that she is back and I'll think of something like a doctors appointment for her and then I think "No ... I remember the doctor saying that she's gone ....... this doesn't make any sense when I know that she's gone". And it's always the memory of sitting in the PICU room with Leah as she passed away and the doctor we had that morning as he quietly came in, knelt down in front of me, put his stethoscope on her chest and after a moment took it away and said "She's gone". I guess that was the defining moment, and so now it's etched in my mind as 'the end'. The doctor we had that morning was wonderful, by the way, he was so kind and didn't push anything on us, in either direction.

But anyway, my whole point is that, rather than clinging to Leah and just thinking 'She's back, she's back' - all I can think is that it's not right .... she shouldn't be back, she doesn't belong here. She belongs in heaven and I know she's there because of the doctor telling me she was gone.

I know it'll be a long process - but I think we are moving in the right direction. I think in the perfect definition of psychosomatics; on days when I really miss her, it seems like the site of my Cesarean scar aches. I dunno - I'm weird.

On to other things .............

Apparently some people have asked what we are doing on the 10th to commemorate Leah's 1st birthday. Honestly, I have no idea. I'd like to do some kind of memorial service where we release butterflies at some point ...... but not in February, obviously.

But anyway, so yes the 10th is coming up, but no there is nothing official planned. If and when we do plan something I will be sure to let everyone know. So everyone can stop asking people that are not me -- cause even I don't know right now ..... got it? Thanks.

I don't know how I'm going to feel on that day, so I can't even say that I'll want to see anyone. My parents offered to come down to keep us company or take us out to distract us. But I don't think I even want to do that. All we know right now is that Jeff will not be going to work so we'll both be home together, and that's about it. Maybe we'll just stare at each other all day.

In other news, the puppy is doing well. She knows how to be a lazy pup on a snowy day. I think she's been sleeping on the couch for almost the entire day. We're expected to get upwards of 2 feet of snow here in Maryland so we'll be snowed in for a couple days. This somewhat hinders my house training of Sam since she would disappear in about 6 inches of snow, and she really likes to just roam around the lawn. So hopefully she'll pick up on the idea that it's cold as heck and snowing like crazy so she should just find a clear spot next to the house and do her potty business right there.

I'm keeping myself busy with random things ..... reading books, cutting coupons, searching for jobs, etc., oh and tomorrow while we're snowed in Jeff and I can work on our latest project: a 2,000 piece puzzle of The Last Supper.