Friday, February 5, 2010

Just checking in

Hi everyone. Sorry I've been MIA on here lately. I'm starting to come down with some kind of sickness.  My colds always start with a sore throat and an ear ache and I've had that for 2 days now. Maybe it's the blizzard coming, or how dry the air has been, or that I've been walking around on the snow-covered lawn trying to encourage Sam's house training - I don't know. I even had my first migraine in years the other night! I had frequent migraines back when I was in college (1999 to 2004), but I honestly couldn't even remember the last one I had.

Ah, but anyway.

The 31st marked one month since Leah's passing. I wanted to write something on the 31st but just didn't have the heart to do it. It was an OK day overall, and I guess writing would've just made me reminisce a bit more than I would've liked to.

The other day someone from some kind of Medicaid program called me, asking me why her computer was showing that Leah's Medicaid had been terminated. I felt bad for her because she obviously had no clue and wouldn't have thought that a 10 month old babies insurance stopped because she had died. My father-in-law had made all the phone calls informing everyone of Leah's passing so I hadn't yet had to actually tell anyone that Leah was gone. So it was very strange to have to tell someone who didn't know. And it put me in a funk for the rest of the day. It's strange how certain things make me sad. Seeing babies doesn't really bother me, seeing pregnant women doesn't bother me, hearing a toddler call out 'Mommy' doesn't really bother me; but getting baby stuff catalogs in the mail bothers me, and getting those automatic emails from with a subject of 'Your baby is 11 months old today!!' bothers me. I've gotten a couple catalogs in the mail full of items for a babies 1st birthday ...... and I growl in anger. Some of our good friends had a baby shower a couple weekends ago and I didn't go ...... she's having a girl so seeing little pink baby things was not on the top of my list of thing's I'd like to do. And I can't watch any kind of 'Baby Story' or 'Bringing Home Baby' show. And it's not out of sadness; I like to see cute little newborns. It's the parents I want to slap for their inability to realize the miracle of a perfectly healthy baby. "Oh my gosh this baby won't sleep and always cries!! How horrible!! I just want to get out of the house!!" Eh ........... just shut your mouths and take care of your kid.

On the other hand it reinforces my faith that God gives the most special of babies to the most special of parents. If you're going to melt down over a couple weeks of colic; something like EB, or Downs Syndrome, or Autism would leave you crumbled on the floor.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh ..... but I'm still very angry. I've always been hot-headed, quick tempered and well .... harsh. I don't know when I'll stop being angry. I know Leah wouldn't want me to be angry. But I can't help it. I mean, I get it. She was given to us because we could take care of her. We did the best we could and in the end we had to give her back to God. But what am I supposed to do? Pat myself on the back and say 'Way to go, you kept your daughter alive for almost 11 months .... cheers'?

And I know being angry is part of the process .... I know all about Kubler-Ross .... remember, I was a Psych major .... but it still sucks - there's no other word for it.

I haven't had any strange dreams lately, but I've had one recurring dream that helps me think that I am moving in the right direction with Leah's passing. (While I didn't take any Dream Analysis classes, I did read up on it myself while in college). Now, I never see faces or people in my dreams ... I just know that they're there. Just like I don't hear voices, I just know what's going on. But anyway, my dreams are that Leah is back; whether or not she has EB, I don't know (because true to my dreams: I can't see her). But I'll know in my dream that she is back and I'll think of something like a doctors appointment for her and then I think "No ... I remember the doctor saying that she's gone ....... this doesn't make any sense when I know that she's gone". And it's always the memory of sitting in the PICU room with Leah as she passed away and the doctor we had that morning as he quietly came in, knelt down in front of me, put his stethoscope on her chest and after a moment took it away and said "She's gone". I guess that was the defining moment, and so now it's etched in my mind as 'the end'. The doctor we had that morning was wonderful, by the way, he was so kind and didn't push anything on us, in either direction.

But anyway, my whole point is that, rather than clinging to Leah and just thinking 'She's back, she's back' - all I can think is that it's not right .... she shouldn't be back, she doesn't belong here. She belongs in heaven and I know she's there because of the doctor telling me she was gone.

I know it'll be a long process - but I think we are moving in the right direction. I think in the perfect definition of psychosomatics; on days when I really miss her, it seems like the site of my Cesarean scar aches. I dunno - I'm weird.

On to other things .............

Apparently some people have asked what we are doing on the 10th to commemorate Leah's 1st birthday. Honestly, I have no idea. I'd like to do some kind of memorial service where we release butterflies at some point ...... but not in February, obviously.

But anyway, so yes the 10th is coming up, but no there is nothing official planned. If and when we do plan something I will be sure to let everyone know. So everyone can stop asking people that are not me -- cause even I don't know right now ..... got it? Thanks.

I don't know how I'm going to feel on that day, so I can't even say that I'll want to see anyone. My parents offered to come down to keep us company or take us out to distract us. But I don't think I even want to do that. All we know right now is that Jeff will not be going to work so we'll both be home together, and that's about it. Maybe we'll just stare at each other all day.

In other news, the puppy is doing well. She knows how to be a lazy pup on a snowy day. I think she's been sleeping on the couch for almost the entire day. We're expected to get upwards of 2 feet of snow here in Maryland so we'll be snowed in for a couple days. This somewhat hinders my house training of Sam since she would disappear in about 6 inches of snow, and she really likes to just roam around the lawn. So hopefully she'll pick up on the idea that it's cold as heck and snowing like crazy so she should just find a clear spot next to the house and do her potty business right there.

I'm keeping myself busy with random things ..... reading books, cutting coupons, searching for jobs, etc., oh and tomorrow while we're snowed in Jeff and I can work on our latest project: a 2,000 piece puzzle of The Last Supper.


Mommy of the Dynamic Duo said...

Hi. don't know me. But, I too live in Maryland (west of Baltimore) and I too have a degree in Psych. I am so sorry to hear of the struggles that you have had to go through but can't say that I wish you didn't have to because that would mean that you wouldn't have had the time with your precious little girl. If you would like to chat or anything---please feel free to e-mail. I know that you probably have a strong support system but sometimes it is easier talking to a stranger.


Rachel said...

I am not sure how I found your blog, but I wanted you to know I am praying for you.

I lost my first baby during the pregnancy and I hated getting the emails too, it always made me mad too.

There are no words to comfort that would or could be enough, but God is the best comforter I can think of. Allow yourself to talk to God, tell him you're angry, that you don't understand everything, believe me, he can take it.

Wish I could give you a hug! God bless you and I'll be praying for you.

-Rachel Tibbs

Emelie said...

I´m thinking of you. And I am angry to. I can´t even look at healthy babies. And I want to screem when people are negative about everything when their life are good. =/

Lisa said...

I pray for you daily. The loss you are suffering is something that I cannot comprehend, but my heart aches for you. I completely agree with you about parents who complain their babies don't sleep, or cry to heck with them. One thing I have always done is thank God everyday for my childrens' health. There is no greater blessing in this world! Thank you for sharing your feelings and always no that I am hear to listen and you can say it like it is...because that is okay. Nobody knows how long you are going to feel the way you do, and that is okay. You need to go through what is to come and I sense your strength and determination. You are an amazing woman and I feel humbled to read your blog.
Be well....((((((((((((((())))))))
Lisa :)

Tracie said...

I'm glad you are moving forward....even if it's only by the tiniest degree. I know how hard it was for myself, I couldn't go anywhere because seeing babies set me back horribly.
You and Jeff continue to be in my prayers.
I will definately be looking at the Heavens and whispering "Happy Birthday, Leah" on the 10th!

Linda said...

Hi Love:
So being angry is part of the process. I am so glad because I thought I was losing my mind. I have been sooooo angry lately. Sara emailed me some stats about EB. Last year 35 babies in the World were born with eb and 6 have already passed. I just kept thinking, why, why did Leah have to be one of the 35. I miss her and it still hurts like He**, but nothing compared to what you and Jeff are feeling. I hurt with you love and am so proud of you. Hang in there love. You are doing amazingly well. God will comfort your heart. Love you both. Love Mom

John and Crystal Pinegar Family said...

I am praying for you as well. Anger is part of grieving. I admire your strength.

Leah said...

Hi Meghann,
I'm sitting here in tears because I did not know about your sweet Leah's passing until just now. I received your Christmas card in the mail and proudly taped it up with all my other cards. I was so flattered that you sent it to me! I showed Leah's picture to everyone.
My heart breaks for you and your family, but I see that you are ok and I know that little Leah is ok too now. Without knowing each other, I'm hoping that this note brings you a tiny bit of joy knowing that someone, somewhere is lifting you up in pray at this moment. God has a special plan for you and all of us. Take care,
Leah T.

Marcia said...

Hi. I came to your website because you mentioned dreams in your post and my website is about dreams.

However, I lost a baby early in pregnancy - that was pretty bad; I can't imagine what you must be going through.

Love to you and Leah.

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